I’m putting together a scene for TBL4 – Chilled Out, where pairs of characters have to spend extended time huddling together in single-sized sleeping bags.
The characters will be mixed pairs of boys and girls who need to share their body warmth. Very, very immoral behaviour – and a problem for me, as I’ve never actually shared a sleeping bag with anyone, so I didn’t know if it would be possible for two people to squeeze into one, never mind getting up to mischief as well.
So I called a buddy who hill-walks a lot to see if he and his girlfriend would be up for a bit of posing. His girlfriend answered his phone, but she seemed quite taken by the idea and invited me round. That would be fine, I thought. They can slip in together and I can ask them to adopt a few sexy positions and I’d have my answers.
So I got to their house – only to find that she was eight months pregnant!
‘Um…’ I said. ‘This isn’t really going to work, is it?’
She dismissed my concerns and threw me Rob’s mock-camouflage sleeping bag, which I dutifully rolled out onto the floor.
‘So what is it that you want me to do again?’ she asked.
‘Um…I wanted you and Rob to get in this thing together and snuggle up in a couple of different ways.’
‘So I can see if it’s possible for two people to be comfortable and…um…’
‘And maybe have sex…or something.’
Lindy stared at me for a moment. Her hands absently rubbed her swollen belly as she considered my words. Then she shrugged.
‘You guys will have to do it, then. I’ll go and get the tea started.’
So…long story short, Rob got home and Lindy shouted through from the kitchen that I needed a bit of help with something. Now, Rob isn’t a bad-looking lad. He’s fit as hell from mountain climbing and hill walking, but I’d never even entertained the idea of getting close to him.
But he shrugged off his boots and slipped into the sack…literally. Lindy wandered through, drying her hands on a tea towel, chewing on something that I didn’t want to think about (she was pregnant, remember) and gestured for me to get in with him. So I slithered down his body and we lay on the living room floor like a couple of hot dogs in a bun, wondering what the hell to do next. My cheeks were burning. Yeah, I know. Even I get embarrassed sometimes. Especially when my friends boyfriend starts to get hard through his jeans because I’m lying on top of him.
‘Okay…he said. What do you need help with?’
‘I need to…’ damn, this was embarrassing. ‘I need to try out a couple of positions…in here.’
‘To see if it’s possible?’ Rob grinned, throwing Lindy a sly glance. She rolled her eyes and wandered back to the kitchen.
So in the space of the next ten minutes, I found that it was indeed possible for a woman to straddle her man (although it put a lot of strain on the fabric and pushed my back down) and for him to lie along her back and take her in a Tight Squeeze (Flat Doggy). Missionary was fine as long as I didn’t try to lift my legs off the floor. Rob was pressing against my girl parts at this point and it was a struggle to keep my voice level.
The other thing that emerged (the only thing, thank goodness!) was that oral sex would have been pretty much impossible for two reasons…there wasn’t really enough fabric to allow anyone who wasn’t under five foot nothing to ball up between the other one’s legs, but even if they could have, suffocation was a real danger.
So…research completed. I ended up with my answers and Rob ended up with a massive boner that he didn’t bother to hide. If he’d been single, maybe I would have rewarded all his hard work (we were pretty hot by the end of it all and I had a wetty on) with a ‘pay-off’, but Lindy had been very understanding.
That said, maybe she would have been grateful if Rob had been allowed his ‘release’. He wouldn’t be getting much for the next year, that’s for sure.
But I didn’t. Somehow I didn’t. Maybe the thought of a hormonal, kitchen knife-wielding mother-to-be was enough to cool my ardour.
Anyway, ‘The Bucket List Part Four – Chilled Out’ (the Christmas special) can now commence. And as I type, I will be smiling at the memory of all the hard work that went into researching it. 😉